


The Ashtray

by shittymuse



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Drabble, M/M, Modern AU, content warning for smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-08
Updated: 2014-10-08
Packaged: 2018-02-20 10:57:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2426222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shittymuse/pseuds/shittymuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one ever said the milestones of a relationship came easily.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ashtray

Erwin had never been the sort to measure a relationship by the usual standards. By kisses, by love-making, or by the ever important “I love you”s … they were all too impersonal of milestones to him. Anyone could measure by them, and anyone could be _measured_ by them. But, he was pretty sure there were very few people who had ever seen the way Levi’s hair flopped over his forehead as he waited impatiently in front of the coffee maker in the mornings, so he called that one. And Erwin knew he had never been comfortable enough around anyone else to get as sloshed as he had the night when the two of them had stayed up until four in the morning, drinking cheap whiskey and laughing about nonsense neither of them could remember any more, so he considered that one too.

When Erwin bought the ashtray, he had known the relationship was officially a serious one. He realized it after the fact, of course. Buying it hadn’t really been a conscious choice on his part. He had not gone out to the store one day to buy an ashtray. But he had seen it sitting on the shelf and thought “I should have one of those, now” and put it in his cart. It was a plain, clear glass dish, nothing particularly special. Not a gift, certainly. But it was something he never would have needed in his life, if it hadn’t been for Levi.

The first time Levi came over after Erwin bought the ashtray, he hadn’t said anything. He took one look at it and subsequently ignored it, walking out to the balcony to smoke, as was his usual habit, instead. For all intents and purposes, the ashtray may as well not have existed.

“I don’t mind if you smoke inside,” Erwin said the next night as he watched Levi from the comfort of the couch inside. 

“I do,” Levi replied, turning his back to Erwin to lean on the balcony railing and smoke in peace.

Erwin hadn’t brought it up again but whenever he saw the ashtray sitting on the end table beside his couch, lonely and unused, he wondered if he had crossed a line and broken some cardinal rule of relationship-making by its purchase. He thought about putting it away, or getting rid of it, but something told him it would be a bad idea, and he left it where it was. Besides, he was curious. It didn’t bother him that Levi hadn’t used it -- the whole purpose of it had been to make his boyfriend more comfortable in his apartment -- but he very much wanted to know why. So, it remained.

It was another two months before he received an answer.

Levi stood on the balcony with his omnipresent cigarette in hand and Erwin leaned his arms on the railing beside him, his hands clasped loosely over the edge. He looked out to the small park and pond on the other side of the street from his apartment and let his mind wander in the comfortable silence between them. It was early autumn, just before the leaves were about to turn, and the evening was still warm. The park was filled with trees and gravel paths for walking and stretched on for a few acres. It was peaceful, and a cool breeze blew up off the pond. It was the kind of night that made Erwin glad he had bought the apartment, even though the rent was a little too high, and it made his commute five minutes longer than he wanted.

“I’m not used to people being alright with it,” Levi said suddenly, interrupting his thoughts. He didn’t look at Erwin as he spoke, his neck stiff as he watched the wind rustling the leaves of the trees instead.

“I’m not,” Erwin said.

“Then why buy _that_?” Levi asked, gesturing back inside the apartment toward the ashtray with his cigarette. He looked up at Erwin, jaw tight and his eyes flashing a challenge. Erwin met his gaze for a moment, before turning away to watch across the street again.

“I want you to be comfortable here,” Erwin said.

“That’s a shitty answer.”

Erwin didn’t respond right away. What else was there to say? Levi smoked a lot. He smoked so much that Erwin couldn’t help but imagine the day when he was going to be sitting in a hospital, getting the kind of news that was going to turn his world upside down. He smoked enough to bring the unbearable thought to Erwin’s mind that someday he was going to have to come to terms with outliving his partner. Levi smoked a lot, and it terrified Erwin.

But, at the same time, Erwin knew it wasn’t his decision. Levi’s choices were his own, and he respected that. Erwin wasn’t going to lecture him about it, and he refused to throw the statistics he’d been stupid enough to look up one night at him. Still ... Levi deserved a complete answer, and even though Erwin prefered to leave things unsaid, he could tell if he didn’t speak now, he would be standing beside Levi for the rest of his life, regretting the words he couldn’t figure out how to say. Erwin sighed, his hands tight on the railing as he looked over at Levi.

“I don’t like how much you smoke. It scares me. But I went into this knowing that, and as far as I’m concerned, that’s my problem. I love you, and that means loving every part of you, including this one,” he said. “I bought the ashtray because I want you to be happy -- here, and with me. That’s the most important thing to me. The rest of it doesn’t matter.”

It was Levi’s turn to stand in silence. He picked at the paint on the balcony railing with his free hand, and took another drag on his cigarette, before turning around to lean his back against the railing. Erwin watched the smoke curl from Levi’s cigarette for a moment, before loosening his grip on the railing. He felt awkward, and Levi’s unreadable expression wasn’t helping. He wasn’t used to saying those things out loud, any more than he was used to feeling him.

“Fuck,” Levi muttered. He glanced at Erwin once before walking inside to grab the ashtray from the end table. He stomped back out to the balcony, and set it down on the railing. He looked Erwin in the eye, holding his gaze for a moment, before using it to stub out his cigarette. “I’m not saying I --” he began.

“I know,” Erwin interrupted. He reached for Levi and kissed him hard. Pulling back after a moment, he looked down at Levi and rubbed a thumb over his cheek, the corner of his mouth twitching into a smile. “I know. But I’ll take what I can get.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of a personal headcanon that any modern Levi would chain smoke. This started off as a thought experiment exploring Erwin's character and how he would feel about it, and quickly got a little out of hand, ha.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
